I can’t even begin to describe how disgusted I am of who I used to be in the past and who I am now. Now I finally understood why I don’t have friends or why everyone that I once knew stayed away from me. It’s all ME! If I don’t learn to be a better person, then I’ll just end up alone. I really want to be a better person. I really do! 

:(

i really feel like giving up on everything. that thought is slipping back in my head. i’m scared of it but maybe it’s the only escape……

I’m angry at myself. I hate myself. Why the fuck do I torture myself like this??? But I can’t help it though. I CAN’T stop thinking about his past. All those damn girls! Especially HER and sometimes his EX! Why can’t I get over it??? Get over THEM!!! I force myself to not think about it but no matter what I do I JUST CAN’T!!! It’s PAINFUL and HATEFUL looking at his face at times and then to be reminded that they were once someone to him and that’s he’s been all around! I FUCKING HATE IT!!! It just disgusting to me! Why do I ended up falling for someone that when I look at all I could think is how disgusted I am with his past??? My first impression of him wasn’t good and learning about his past just topped it off. Even now…my thoughts hasn’t changed and worse than before. Still, I somehow fell for him despite all that. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING??? It’s suffocating whenever I think about it. Suffocating to the point where I just want to fucking scream in his face to let him know how disgusted I am of him. How I think so disgustingly of him and then BREAK IT OFF! Then I go home and cry til I can no longer cry. Cry until I get over him and his past. 

Gosh, I’m just seriously FUCKED UP!!!

:(

Your past has been one of the main factors that causes me to feel so unstable in this relationship. I wanted to get over it and told myself not to care but I just couldn’t do it. It really bothers me to know that you’ve been after so many girls. I wonder if whatever you did and said to me, you probably have done the same for them and then just repeated the same things to get me. I still don’t get why you would even be  interested in me. Maybe you needed someone to get over your ex or simply just needed a girlfriend and I was there. Maybe I have done or said something for you to see that I was easy to get with. Now that I’m with you, sometimes, I would wonder if you really love me and how much. If I’m worth it enough for you to change your way to help our relationship to be better and greater than what it is now. If I could be the girl that you love most and care for most. But I really I couldn’t help thinking and wondering of the way you were with your ex. I felt as if you really did love her and still do. The things that you did with her that you don’t find any interests in doing with me or for me because I lack what you want or looking for. I know I’m not fun, cool and hot, smart or whatever, but I think I have other things to offer such as my sincerity in caring for you and wanting to be with you. I don’t think that’s enough for you and I feel as though I am incomparable to her or even any of those girls you were after or once with. Call it insecurity or whatever you or anyone wants to think, I know what I’m feeling. It hurts!

You make me sick to my core! If it weren’t for what I found, I would’ve not known that you are still thinking about that bitch. Why the hell would you check out her page, her info and her pictures? You said you’re not interested and  lied to my face about never looked at anything that has to do with her. Liar liar liar, you’re such a fucking LIAR! I’m just so disgusted and sick of you!!!!!!!!

My mom is a pushover. She just let other runs her life. My dad is an evil dictator. I’m tired of having such parents. They say to love and respect your parents but how can I? I’m sick of dealing with them!

I keep finding myself falling back into the depression stage. So many times I try to keep myself positive but it seems impossible to. When I push myself hard to get up and move forward despite the obstacles around me, something always pops up to hold me back and make me feel stuck more than I already am. I think life is really toying with me. It wants to see how much I can endure whatever it’s throwing at me. I feel so unstable and fucked up inside that I don’t even know to deal with myself. I’m just so helpless.

The more I lay it out there, the less you understand me. Why??? The last thing I need is for you to be another sorrow adding to my already shitty life.